Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
Dude. Creed is coming in september.
We're no longer friends.
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
After he came he asked what I was doing for thanksgiving.
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
I bought 2 40s with winning lottery tickets and they paid me $.03. 'Merica
What is their policy on bow ties and belligerence?
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
then I ended up getting a lapdance from my TA...I love college.
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
This is why you arnt allowed in pet stores
Starting to realize that fucking everyone I come across isn't the most... "adult"... coping method.
Randomize
