There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
Spent the last thirty minutes staring at the wall with Leah. It's definitly moving
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
I don't know but someone, somewhere gave someone a hand job and someone else was pissed about it...
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
She sucks. And I almost hooked up with a clown last night
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
I think you just have to raise your bang age from 40 to 50, hope dust doesn't fly out and make her say tony danza
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize