I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
hey can i play with your boom stick tonite? I'll let you shoot the love of jesus in my face.
come over
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
VODKAVODKAVODKAYESSSS
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
Randomize
