you think thats bad? Today I had to pop a zit on my sack.
dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.
mine is 'the'.
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
Ive been sitting around naked watching magic on youtube.
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
Homegirl just dropped a candle on the floor major party foul. Thought it make you feel better.
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
Pagan metal show. There is a folk dance happening in the mosh pit. Also, I have no idea where we are.
I believe in your delicious
Then James put his arms through the window and grabbed him, like he was Robocop. A nerdy, portly Robocop.
Who is this?
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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