If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
Yeah, all the sudden I heard a loud "ding" and realized I had been passed out on the dorm elevator for about an hour....
Based on the pics I have taken of hookups while they were passed out or sleeping, I have scientifically concluded that no two vagina lips are the same. They are like snowflakes.
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
I think I need to see a chiropractor after giving that blow job
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
Do you ever get a cramp in like, ONE labia?
Unless your name is actually "Ticfj" like my phone says, I have no idea who you are...
Okay so my roommate deals some drugs so whenever he leaves we can hook up, be ready
I didn't know I was the on call booty call damn
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