I either date the nice guys or the assholes. There isn't any in between.
You need to find a taint.
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
found a pic of my little bro & his girl naked. he got the brains and the huge junk gene. I hate him
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
Think about if the incredible hulk and king kong had a retarded baby. That's the sound she made in my ear the entire time I fucked her.
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
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