he actually used the line "do you have a map, because i'm lost in your eyes" and i was to drunk to care
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
Sunburnt clitoris. How do I deal with it.
trying to line up a DD for St Pats Day. i guarantee i will put out. or puke and pass out. really its 50/50 at this point.
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
I now have a other guy willing to drive 3 hours for my vagina. At my next gyno appointment I'm asking her if there's cocaine in there.
And also ice skating can blow me. Goodnight, love you!
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
It was probably bad to sleep with someone just to pet his dog right?
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
Randomize
