youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
mind if i send you a dick pic? so you can see what she wasn't doing right?
She kept telling people I wrecked her brain. That high.
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
I woke up in a bath tub and my face was sore and it wasn't because of you, I was impressed
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
Never in my life have I seen a grown ass man get on all fours and attempt to buttfuck himself with the leg of a chair. I love Vegas!
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
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