I could have mohawked her pubes.
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
I immediately regret the tequila decision.
I'm surprised I don't have a permanent face imprint between my boobs.
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
i am craving dick and cupcakes
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
If you think I'm going to drive 5.5 hours just to bang a guy, you'd be absolutely right.
His nipple licking is glorious
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