turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
She threw up everywhere and is crying about a fictional character who died on Grey's Anatomy
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
He leaned out the window to puke right as the fan for the ac turned on. All of it blew back up into his face.
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
Want to get together for a boner voyage before you leave?
What's the over under on catching something from your sister?
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
Randomize
