Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
The karaoke bar doesnt have electric avenue. Ill just have to pick another song and sing the lyrics to electric avenue
Going to eat lunch. Bunch of people in church clothes, and we are hungover, wearing pajamas, and in real danger of puking on the floor. We're about to destroy the ambience of this joint.
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
plus there's no nice way to tell a guy you physically hate the shape of their cock.
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
I didn't rip your fishnets, WE ripped your fishnets.
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
I was fingering her and they busted into my room demanding to know who the best running back was, before I could say anything she moaned and said "Barry Sanders"
one week and then i'm back on the sexual grind. a party is being planned in my vagina's honor
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