Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
I doubt the Taliban would support fake nipples.
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
Itd be like fucking a waterbed thats been locked in a barn for two years.
Where in the FUCK do you get your analogies
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
I woke up naked on my futon with a blanket half way covering my ass and 20 half eaten chicken wings on my chest... At 7 pm... That kind of day drinking
They were assless. I wore assless football pants.
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
its 8 and I'm HUNGOVER!! how is that possible??
She said to call her, so I called her. Her boyfriend answered and traced the fucking call. I could litterally hear him yell because it turns out he lives in 4d
Don't you live in 4c?
I'm getting drunk off Malibu and watching Drag Race and it's only 2 in the afternoon. I'm the poster child for sad gay men.
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
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