woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
Granted I did fall into a pond wearing your dress, but I did save a frog in the process so I think it was worth it.
We had on the same team jersey so at the time it made sense to hook up.
Duh.
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
I mean thanks for the bj but i wanna forget everything that happened last night between 11 and 5
I will rip it off your body in ways are socially offensive but you still kind of like.
I told him I was going to sit on his face after I got out of the shower, he threw up the arm boners and yelled "STEVE HOLT!!" I might actually stop sleeping with other dudes.
Randomize
