ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
Please fuck him. And then let me tell her. And then let me protect you from the knife she pulls from her Ed Hardy purse. Please.
apparently they wrote a song entitled "butt slut" about her... im thinking shes not girlfriend material.
last night we were having sex and i didn't care if i got off. i was just holding up my hand behind his head so i could look at my new ring. i think he knew.
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
Wanna go watch Transformers and scream "AMERICA!"? I need a no thought activity
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
Turns out naked twister is less fun than it sounds. I can never look Lee in the eye again. But Aimee's boobs are glorious.
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
so let me get this straight you just stared at his boner all night?
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