I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
Needless to say Beer Gardens severly frowns upon playing flip cups with real glasses.
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
Nothing says summer like lemonaid, but nothing says fuck yeah summer like lemonaid and vodkavodka
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
Ok so I didn't mean for his first impression of me to be lying face down on his roommates bedrooms floor throwing up my jäger but it happened. Atleast my ass looked good in those jeans. Think I still have a shot?
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
did i get sucker punched in the face last night or was our make-out session just that intense?
You took your pants and underwear off as soon as we got to Melissa's and just walked around the entire time like it was completely normal. We even ate pizza together with your vagina exposed. You're my hero.
Randomize
