I'm glad I have good healthy relationships with my one night stands
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
Doctorate. Vaginahole. Cinnamon. Rainbow. Fill in the blanks in the morning.
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
Being thankful with your family is one thing. Being thankful with your friends while getting drunk and smoking bowls while eating leftovers, priceless.
I've started a list of places i want to drink. To go along with the list of places i want to have sex. Lincoln's log cabin is on both.
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
I left for five minutes and Chris wound up half in women's clothes, half naked. And the naked half was covered in shamrock stickers.
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
I learned tonight while in another country that no matter the nationality, men are disappointing in bed
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
What do you do when you legitimately find a hidden sex dungeon in your parents basement next to your bedroom!!?
Randomize
