never. drinking. again.
lets not get ahead of ourselves.
Yes. Being a lesbian's wingman is a fun as it sounds
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
You screamed "she never feeds them anyway" and threw the fish tank off the 3rd floor balcony. Don't park on our side of the building.
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
We did a lot of coke and Bedazzled the couch. It seemed like a good idea at the time.
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
i'm licking honey sensually off my arm while alone in my room. what has my life come to
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
dude igloo, 4 foot bong, and 3 grams of blue dream. will you be my eskimo buddy?
Do NOT. I repeat. DO NOT call me little one after we have fucked. In no world is that ok. Even jesus agrees.
Randomize
