I like to think it a success when the cops are called
THAT'LL be a good time.
and i don't know why my phone always capitalizes that word.
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
of all places to pass out....why right in front of our RA's door? OF ALL PLACES.
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
another part of my inner child died when i emptied my crayon bank for dollar beer night.
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
Well i think matt shit his pants so ill mark that as a W
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
Waking up at a teachers house is a very confusing thing
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
Randomize
