I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
It's gotten to the point where NOT peeing in the sink feels strange and uncomfortable.
the higher we get, the more he looks like ray charles.
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
it doesn't matter, he's just a life support system for his dick
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
the evidence suggests last night I either took a bath in beer or drank 18 beers while in the bath. either one sounds good to me. sad i don't remember it
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
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