I think he finally resigned to the fact he could not get off. He just looked at me and said "I'm having testicle difficulties," rolled over and passed out.
I mass texted 4 of you for a booty call. Please reply all when responding so only one of you shows up. Last one is a rotten egg.
Haha, apparently they frown upon male strippers there. Bouncers couldn't catch me tho.
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
Why do you hate her?
She's dating the best penis that has ever entered my vagina.....
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
I think we need to stage a munchie intervention for Ben. I just watched him use a tortilla as a potholder to dump water out of his ramen.
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
How was that girls surprise party last night?
Got absolutely destroyed tried to put somebody's leather jacket on and make out with their mother. You know.. the norm
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
