just jacked off with my ROTC uniform on. boy i feel like an american.
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
I swear with his long flowing hair and god-like body he looked like Jesus, a bong hitting Jesus
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
so let me get this straight... she's showing a cameltoe that can be seen from the space station and I'm NOT supposed to stare?
He's been pretending to be gay for 3 months in order to get free weed.
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
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