Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling.
Walk of Shame time yet?
Dude she's 6"2, blonde and on the cheerleading team. I look like Seth Rogen's fatter, unfunny brother. What shame am I supposed to be feeling?
he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
it's my sixth sense. If there's an orgy within 20 miles of me i'll know about if. Or be a part of it.
Well Im currently dressed up as batman raiding frat houses for booze
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
Hahaha wear something that says i'm here to party but wont go farther then a handjob.
because. if I can't sit outside naked and eat my watermelon every morning then I really don't see the point in moving in with you.
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
Come over. And we'll put iced coffee in the bong.
So you called me the queen of nudes yesterday and I'm still not sure how I feel about it
Randomize
