There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
I'm spoon feeding myself tequila for breakfast, should we skip class today?
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
Random pof guy just messaged me initiating a Pokemon battle. Want to be a bridesmaid?
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
Randomize
