I feel great
I just peed on a car
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
I mean, it really isn't YOUR car until you have sex in it.
I am currently eating pure cake frosting...I am not sure how I was ever referred to as a responsible adult.
OMG HAIR ON HIS DICK. HAIR ON HIS DICK AS IN GROWING OUT OF HIS DICK. HAIR.
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
I'm gonna drop in for a zip later man. It made me wanna eat my girls shampoo. Good shit
Queso dip and pictures of Daniel's penis. It's like the last days of Rome over here.
Hey in a lighter note I also nutted in that cheerleader too if she got prego there would have been a team reunion on Maury
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
I dont understand why so many people are content staying in and avoiding alcohol and sex
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
Randomize
