I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
I yelled "Coming in hot." before penetrating. Im pretty sure she loved it.
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
I got kicked out of the bar but no one cared, I dont have any money so i stayed outside with the bouncer for an hour and he got so sick of me he let me back in on the condition that i cant leave my seat. VISIT ME
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
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