Ikea night.
?
Insert tab A into swedish slot B
So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
She had the hiccups when she was giving me head. It was actually pretty awesome
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
Hey.. Here's a thought for the evening. There's only two more sleeps until I fuck you so hard my back teeth will convulse.. Here's too Tuesday! Woohooooo
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
You let the ASEXUAL teach sex Ed?!
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