i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
he cried for an hour, then he threw up on my lap then started singing party in the usa...opera style...
I think i can make this amish girl legitimately hot.
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
You grabbed her hand and started jacking her finger off. She was horrified.
Did it finish?
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Is she still on a quest to lick every stranger that enters the bar, or have the restraining orders reached critical mass?
Randomize
