it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
SEX BINGO!
Canadian or clown?
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
Tequila ran out around 11 so she let them do body shots of chips and guacamole instead
She's lucky her pussy is worth listening to her ramble about bedroom furniture for 30 minutes
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
I hope April is a better month for dicks. March has been very disappointing.
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
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