I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
I woke up with a black eye, bruised knuckles, wearing women's clothing, in a house I did not recognize, next to a solid 9. Thank you for making 21 special.
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
So... Sex in my rain boots last night. Trashy or a great show of character?
If it was with a guy, trashy. Sex with a girl is never trashy.
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
Randomize
