my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
the boy next to me on the plane handed me a shot glass, then a perkaset, and told me to have a good week off..hellllo spring break.
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
i want to swaddle you in tequila
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
You can't honestly expect me to maintain an erection when you have the Glen Beck show on
Said he wanted to wear me as a loincloth. Not sure if sexual or predatory
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
I wanna trust fall face first on a penis.
if i drink i'll go into liver failure but ok
totally worth it, dude its $1 pbr
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
Randomize
