If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
we went to sleep in different beds and woke up spooning. alcohol truly is the anti-cockblocker.
but you must be fair and judge his penis by normal penis standards and not let your vision be clouded by the rare gem of a penis you have recently encountered
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
thats all i want out of life, to get high and watch weiner dog races
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
Randomize