I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
he said my vag tasted like ravioli n pennies... i forgot I was on my period
Did you see the soccer ref give that girl the red card as she was being kicked out of the party?
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
Finally washing the shoe scuff marks off my front windshield :( bye bye memories
"You can go raw dog up in me". Exact words. I can't decide whether to run, or fuck. Help.
I just need some dick and some jimmy johns
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
Randomize
