My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
all i remember was you yelling "look at my little feet" at everyone on the way home from the bar.
I'll just dance on top of the ping pong table, and if it's stable enough for that, then it's stable enough for sex
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
She sucks. And I almost hooked up with a clown last night
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
No. 70% of the female population would find them attractive. The other 30% are lesbian and even they would appreciate them for their strong bodies and athletic capabilities.
I vaguely remember making out with some dude. Please tell me he had all of his teeth.
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
I'm at home 4 xanax deep watching She's all that.. no I don't want to go out. The couch is eating me.
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