You must have had one hell of a time explaining to that girl why aladin soundtrack was playing on repeat in your room when you got back
I just randomly started counting the number of guys that I've hooked up with that are now gay. 11.
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
no strings attached, like you could fuck him and then throw him off a building right after
5 minutes Isn't even long enough to bring me even close to an orgasm. How selfish. Think about baseball and fuck me you idiot.
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
He’s basically a sexual superhero. A mild mannered marketing intern by day, but a very horny 22 year old with pornstar stamina at nights!
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
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