Pappa wants mamma naked
I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
We woke up next to each other with a mutual look of disgust, and then he left. I knew I should have gone for the younger brother.
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
if wiping your ass w an envelope isnt the definition of hitting "financial rock bottom " then nothing is!
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
He is 6'5, went to a Christian school and he's a violinist....I'm going to fuck the jesus right out of him.
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
I did not marry a roomba.
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