my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
A guy in a big stork costume just came to our meeting to give us condoms and t-shirts telling us not to get pregnant. Only at college
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
No. No. No. No one's allowed to fuck in the yurt.
It's a little sad/awesome that I scored coke within 60 seconds of walking in the bar.
The student becomes the teacher.
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
just call my name and ill be there, if we are puking, beating up bitches, or pickin up men, OR avoiding wierd men, so many situations require a wingman
I don't know..He walked out of your room with a kraft single..and blood on his shirt...He really wanted cheese.
Randomize
