Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
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