It is pretty awful out and I still haven't put on pants yet.
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
I was short on money so I let my roommate mase me for $60
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
She yelled out "MCDREAMY" mid orgasm
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
Did April legit get married in a parking lot?
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
Randomize
