Why did you take off so early
No more beer. And also. Threesome. Maybe. Ill let you know.
He had a stripper pole in his bedroom. I didn't know whether to be impressed or creeped out.
At what number of girls whose last names are stored in your phone book as drinking establishments does it become excessive?
when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
There are too many people on this bus for it to be even REMOTELY okay that I'm wearing a puke covered sweater
You looked at my sister and yelled at her saying in a couple of years she will be yours
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
It was pretty awesome. I drank out of a stein and attempted to dance to dubstep with some older guys in leiderhosen.
Randomize
