to do: lose virginity to hamster dance
worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
i cant answer while inside this church craft show. so unless you're outside with my engagement ring and a nonfat gingerbread latte, it'll have to wait.
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
I can feel my pain tolerance has shot up right along with my libido
Just made a beer run. At 9am. In my pjs. I should not be graduating today
No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Randomize
