I never thought I would get head to the lion king soundtrack
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
There are two people having sex in one of the showers right now trying to silence their orgasm sounds and failing. Thank you coed bathrooms.
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
IT'S A HOLY FESTIVAL. A BUDDHIST CELEBRATION OF PENIS.
I should just black out in my front yard again- that was a great nights sleep.
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
Me too, I feel like I pinched your nipples excessively. At the time it seemed like a good idea, but in retrospect I'm not so sure.
And the next morning he asked me why I had clothes on so I said so that he could take them off again.
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
Randomize
