We are surrounded by old people. Heavens waiting room for sure.
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
she just stood in the kitchen yelling "REAL WOMEN HAVE CURVES"
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
He came into my room last night and started peeing underneath my desk, I told him the bathroom was the next door over.
so i find a box of condoms inside my car with turn by turn directions to her bedroom... kinda freaked out cause she got my address and somehow inside my car
Randomize
