I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
It's been a year of occasional hook ups....this was bound to happen sometime even with your jank ovary schedule.
We just taught the Brazilian how to smoke out of a vuvuzela.
did i just pee glitter
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
YOu just turned down my vagina. Something must be wrong. Vegas changed you!
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
Randomize
