My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
It's that "make a Pringle and Twinkie sandwich" kind of depression.
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
Last night I woke up and the national rep of his frat was sucking my toe.
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
Randomize