I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
By the way, your roommate is right. His penis is much bigger than yours.
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
I think I blacked out after I decided drinking alone on the trailered jetskis was a good idea
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Randomize
