I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
I feel like shaving is just admitting i'm gonna do him, even though im still on the fence
shave. it'll take 10 min. Better safe than hairy.
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
In the library. Still drunk. Shoes missnig. Term paper due in fiften minutes. Iff I puke u think theyll throw me out?
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
The way I'm gonna look at it is, if you don't makeout with your roommate once in college, you didn't do something right.
I think she's perpetually drunk
It's all she knows
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
No, not if I told them not to. they listen to me. I have a vagina.
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize
