I'm in a room alone pouting because I got the wrong nachos at taco bell.
do you know why "how to shave your balls" is bookmarked on my computer?
Even the bartender felt bad for me
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
I feel the need to clarify that I did not show her my vagina.
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
Know your penis has been the topic of conversation over glasses of wine.
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
Just used the pen i got in my signing ceremony to pack down my bowl. coach would be proud
He finished and he wasn't even totally hard. He actually came without a boner.
HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE.
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
Randomize
