dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
taking shots each time the weatherman says Dont go out in this blizzard
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
Ummm Im the uneducated alcoholic of the group... if I say its a bad idea, its probably a bad idea.
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
Aka reading hardcore gay robot porn as a steady trickle of elementary schoolers walk by me every so often and im still in uniform as there councilor
Who is also still dressed up as a pirate
I probably won't go. Last time I got drunk with those guys I just started demanding people let me touch their beards.Then I mocked everyone who didn't have facial hair.
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
Erin was right. There were bees at the after hours.
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
Randomize
