i'm trying to reconcile what i did last night with who i am as a person.
My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
Hey i just realized that im masturbating in the exact same kind of chair that they are doing it on in this porno
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
The topic of sex in the jamba banana suit has come up on multiple occasions. We're just waiting for a moment to try it out.
I want to share a beverage of the alcoholic category with you, but I'm conflicted about getting out from under my covers.
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
Wait are we really having an orgy on Tuesday?
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
Kinda. I got kicked outta the bar, and then incited a riot until the cops came and I bailed
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
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