I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
she thought the capital of kansas was topanga.
Street performer on bourbon st just lifted a sewer top so I could puke down it. I love New Orleans.
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
We smoked bowls and watched Cops for what seemed like hours. And yet I know I'll go back.
Night one million where I have madri gra beads around my neck and no justifiable reason for where they came from
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
A bitchslap is in order.
I want to create a human. Discussion later.
Randomize
