Kelly went into her room with Dave, but is moaning Tommy...
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
What do you think it is?
It's a boy. I know it. She always manages to have a cock inside her somehow.
Honestly, I've had enough of his asshole to last me the new year.
Please tell me you're talking about his personality.
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
You brought string cheese to the strip club
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
The candles are lit, the magic circle is drawn, now all we need to do is get naked and see how many orgasms we can manage.
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
