He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
Anal and Aoki tickets...I'd say I give pretty good Valentines Day gifts.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
Randomize
